Great Expectations

"The best things in life are unexpected- because there were no expectations."
-Eli Khamarov

These days of wedding planning blues, 'expectation' is the byword...

Fiance and I had a conversation with FDIL and FMIL a few days past,  going over the big picture of the wedding, and everyone was in good cheer. However, at the end of the conversation, we discovered that FMIL's expectations of the wedding ceremony are:
1. Procession in Filipino way - Groom accompanied by his mother, ring-bearers must be a pair of children, 3 bridesmaids in matching dresses, 3 groomsmen
2. 'Proper' long wedding dress
3. Rings put on heart-shaped pillows
4. Bride (that's me >< ) must wear fake eyelashes

Hmmm... Actually the conversation went rather funny,
FMIL: "You need bridesmaid! Who's gonna help you with the dress..."
Me: "Ah? But Auntie, I think I'm just gonna wear a short dress.. no need the train.."
FMIL: "HHAAA? But it's a once-in-a-lifetime thing!"

Few hours later, Fiance could see I was a bit quiet, and asked, in his particular gentle way, "Dear, what's wrong? Wanna tell me?"

A woman being a woman, at first it was, "Nah, nothing..." ... but then, "Dear, I'm afraid.. I mean.. we do really want to make our parents happy, but I dread things going out of control.. On my wedding day.. I'm standing there.. Wearing make-up I can't stand, wearing a dress I don't like.. and going through rituals I don't understand..."
Fiance: "Yeah... what if they make you up then I don't recognize you and I say 'eh, who's that standing at the end of the aisle?"

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Anyway, I actually lost sleep that night as I truly was afraid of the parents' expectations..whether his or mine (like my dad suddenly insisted on walking me down the aisle, wearing a suit, which fortunately I have no problem with). Only after Fiance said, "Hey, don't worry about it, we'll go through this together, we're a team.." and talked to his mom that everything has to go through our consent, did I calm down.

Hufh. Luckily, in our case I can see they really meant well, moms and dads.. they want our wedding day to be as 'proper' and nice and beautiful as possible so we will also look good in front of our guests..("I'm gonna give my daughter the wedding of her dreams, whether she likes it or not!", quipped a mom I read about >< ) Also, there are plenty of horror stories where family members throw a hissy fit at not getting what they want, or thinking that the day is purely 'their' day, not even shared with the couple.

Well, I did some reading on how to manage parents & relatives' expectations, and here are some tips:

1.  Remember that how you work with your parents & future in-laws in planning your wedding influence future relationships. Don't ruin a lifelong relationship for one event.

2. Compromise. Pick several 'no-compromise' items (five, maybe?) and well, relax on the rest. E.g, I'm fine with my FMIL wanting a church wedding, but I'm picking out the dress. Leaving the flowers on her capable hands also (she's a freelance florist), but will not include children in the wedding procession (Seriously, enough work without including children >< )

3. When parents start throwing in expectations and getting into nitty-gritty details, especially if it's too early in the process, just say, "We'll think about it" and get back to them later on with careful explanation, if you disagree. Otherwise, you might end up agreeing on the spot to make them happy (I'm prone to this >< ),and then later on feeling miserable, or apologizing to them for changing your mind and making them miserable. Worse, you might feel defensive on the spot and react explosively, behaving in a way you'll regret later

4. In your wedding, have a thank-you speech sincerely thanking you loved ones for all their help and suggestions. Hopefully, everyone can put the past behind and move on =D