But, where to start? According to articles I read, amongst the top, if not the top marriage breaker: money issues. Furthermore, this being Singapore, the reality is that living and housing cost is prohibitively expensive, and I think engaged couples will do well talking about money issues early on. I mean, if it really does matter so much, you'd want to try finding someone as compatible with you as possible, and run from someone who has totally different views on money.. in an union as important as marriage, why stack the cards against yourself?
And man, talking about $$$ is hard, because a lot of things are tied in.. whether you are ashamed of your own finances and reluctant to discuss it, whether you deem yourself more 'successful' and look down on the other party, whether you take your partner's money attitude as meaning he/she doesn't care for you enough to plan finances wisely. What I know is, I consider both me and my boyfriend sensible, unconfrontational people who truly want the best for each other, but even then talking about money is exhausting stuff! And it felt like walking on landmines, we had to keep saying, "Ok don't take this the wrong way.. " or "Right, this is a sensitive issue but just want you to know..."
Well, as they say, if you can't talk about money when you feel so much in love, when else can you talk about it?? And it's true that after laying both our money cards in the open, there's a sense of honesty, security and even more mutual trust, at least for me. (Will let Fiance read blogpost and comment later). To me, the goal of talking about money is so that:
1. You both find out attitudes and issues about money and decide if any of them are deal-breakers, or big problems.. How to find someone with financial values resonant with yours if you don't even know what their values are! And if both still choose to stay together, it's good to spot these potential problem areas early and find solutions before the pressures of wedding, marriage, in-laws and kids are on.
2. If there are no big issues, great, talking about money can be a jump-start to your financial planning together for your future as a couple. Might I add, financial planning is a MUST in a country like Singapore where it seems every major life transition also requires major emptying out of bank accounts ><
Before you start, remember, choose a good time,e.g. if you know your partner is irritable right after work then don't bring up the issues then. Case in point, being an impatient person, I recently brought up some financial issues as soon as I thought about them and kept pressing dear Fiance for solutions because I thought these important things can't wait.. thinking about them making me feel more and more insecure by the second. He, though, felt like I was 'ambushing' him and not giving him space to think, which made him respond in an irritated manner... lose-lose situation for both of us, so yeah, really choose the right time and if you know your significant other doesn't like being 'ambushed' give him/her sufficient 'signals'.
I compiled a list of questions that I think might help couples start talking about money, some in the Singaporean context.You can divide your money talks based on topic, or just pick a few interesting questions to discuss each time. I don't think they can be discussed in one sitting..nor do I advise doing so!
GENERAL / PERSONAL FINANCES
1. How much in average do you spend each month?
2. How much do you usually save each month?
3. Are there other expenditures than daily needs, such as insurance premium, money set aside for parents?
4. What's the maximum amount one can spend without telling the other partner? Or you prefer the 'aside from the joint account, my finances is not your business' approach?
5. Are you more of a saver / spender?
6. Do you have any debts, study loans? (Read how debt can destroy a budding relationship)
7. What are your financial priorities? (want to make $1 million? must have a shopping budget?)
8. Do we have common financial goals or we are very different? (e.g, the guy prefers low-paying job with high job satisfaction, the girl started out feeling there's a carefree charm about him but ended up thinking he's a bum with no drive? Not being sexist but I think this is more a problem if the guy is less ambitious than the girl)
9. What will you define as 'financial secret'/ financial cheating and what do you define as okay to keep hidden from your spouse? e.g you don't get to see my personal checking account transactions but if I'm going to invest more than $5k I will tell you I am going to spend that amount, otherwise it counts as dishonesty.
10. Do you have any financial vulnerabilites? e.g. not so secure in your job, tendency to overspend, already struggling with current financial commitments
11. Are you optimistic/ pessimistic regarding money issues? e.g a pessimist might want to save more for emergency funds, take better insurance coverage, and if the other person is an optimist that thinks investing high-risk stocks is better than savings (damn low interest rate! inflation!) and thinks insurance is waste of money, well then we have a problem.
12. Do you have emergency funds? In case you get fired, accidents etc, do you have any plan to tide it out?
MARRIED LIFE / JOINT FINANCES
1. Who will be 'CFO'? (Chief Financial Officer a.k.a The-One-In-Charge of paying bills, controling amounts spent etc). Fiance and I agreed to take turns.. what's a good length of time to serve? 6 months? a year? ><
2. Do we have common financial goals?e.g. want to acquire assets together?
3. What kind of lifestyle do you see us having? e.g. HDB/condo? Travel to Europe once a year, or Bintan is enough? What kind of lifestyle do you see as the basic minimum to you?
4. From Q3 & 4, determine the expenses at least for the first few years of marriage, then calculate, how much are both going to contribute to the joint account? (We agreed that we are going to contribute the same % for our salaries, not the same amount). Hmm maybe I should do another post to explain about this, next time.
5. What would be included inside the joint account, and what would be maintained under our own personal accounts? health spending? vacation spending?
6. How often will we review our financial agreements/ system? What is the best time for both of us to talk money issues? (Not Saturday mornings when all I wanna do is lie peacefully in his arms!)
7. Will we invest the money in our joint account? What kind of investments are agreeable to both of us?
8. Who will take care that bills are paid on time, or track the household spending?
9. What are our financial priorities? Do they tally? e.g dream home at the expense of holidays, children's education at the expense of housing,etc.
HOUSING
1. What kind of housing do you want to live in? (Kind of repeated from the lifestyle question, but heck, believe me in Singapore this is all they talk about >< )
2. How much then would be the financial commitments for the house? Down payment? Monthly instalments? Can we afford it after knowing the sum?
3. Will you be using only one person's CPF money? or both?
4. Any idea how you would want to renovate the house? Need to save a lot for renovation?
WEDDING/ HONEYMOON
1. Who will be paying for the wedding and how much is the budget? Ourselves? Only the groom? Parents?
2. How much is the maximum budget for honeymoon?
(See, IMHO this wedding & honeymoon thingy should actually be talked about after housing expenses, so then see how much is left after budgeting for that dammit-why-so-expensive-walls-painted-in-gold-is-it HDB flat. Well but Fiance and I are managing by saving for the wedding first.)
CHILDREN
1. Knowing that the cost of raising children in Singapore is approximately half a million per child (don't believe me? Google.), how many kids do you want?
Phew. See? I'm exhausted just blogging about it, let alone discussing with Fiance! ><
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